


Mojave Instant Messenger

by CookieFairy



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Crack, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieFairy/pseuds/CookieFairy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vulpes discovers a terminal filled with questionable content and shares his findings with the Courier via instant messaging.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re on the Fallout Kink Meme, you probably know what this is all about. But look, now there are timestamps and actual formatting so yay! For the rest, the original prompt was what if Vulpes and the Courier find a terminal with the full meme (and now AO3 too?) archived on it? Except I took it up a notch and decided hey, what if they get on each other’s nerves using said fics on INSTANT MESSAGING? 8D

**_Logged: 5:43 PM 11/30/2281_**

FantasticMrFox: You would not believe what I just found.

DontShootMeBro: Who’s this?

FMF: It’s Vulpes Inculta. This is the Courier, correct?

DSMB: Omg how did you get my screen name?

DSMB: And how are you messaging me right now?

FMF: I’m on a rental terminal in Vault 21. And you scrawled your username on my arm after you drunkenly stepped out of the Tops.

DSMB: Shit, really?

FMF: You wrote, “IM me for sum 8====D~~~~ ;) LOL.”

DSMB: I always did wonder how I woke up with that necklace. I was gonna sell it before Raul stopped me.

FMF: Wise man.

DSMB: K, what do you want?

FMF: It seems the previous user of this terminal forgot to clear his files.

DSMB: Welp. Is it porn?

FMF: You could say that.

_FantasticMrFox has sent you a file._

FMF: Read it.

DSMB: What. The. Fuck?

FMF: I had no idea dear Dr. Gannon and that NCR dog were… close.

DSMB: You shut your mouth, Legionary! They would NEVER.

FMF: It gets better.

_FantasticMrFox has sent you a file._

FMF: Does it arouse you to get gangbanged by me and my men? All you had to do was simply ask. I know they would be very open to it.

DSMB: WHERE IS THIS TERMINAL I’M GONNA BURN IT.

FMF: Too late. I’m clearing it and saving it all for myself.

DSMB: NO YOU DON’T. I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL CUT YOU.

DSMB: I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU.

 

* * *

 

 **_Logged: 2:31 PM 12/02/2281_**

_You have sent FantasticMrFox a file._

DontShootMeBro: HA.

FantasticMrFox: How did you get this?

DSMB: Your terminal skills suck. Empty the recycle bin, asshat.

FMF: Fine, you got me. I should never have trusted a profligate machine to work right.

DSMB: So how’s it going, Brahmin Inculta?

FMF: Don’t call me that.

DSMB: I think it suits you. You got the pushing shit with your face right.

FMF: That short story is highly inaccurate. I can actually dance.

DSMB: Oh really?

FMF: Would you like to tango with me sometime?

DSMB: Ohohohoho, this I gotta see.

FMF: We’ll see who the real brahmin is, my dear.

DSMB: Whatevs, Brahmin Inculta.

FMF: That’s so immature.

DSMB: You know what’s immature?

_You have sent FantasticMrFox a file._

DSMB: YOU. FISTO. EXPLAIN.

FMF: I should have sliced that terminal when I had the chance.

DSMB: How did it feel to make sweet fluffy love to a sexbot? Was it magical? Did you cry? Did you cuddle? Did you realize that your strictly sexual relationship was actually something more?

FMF: Don’t push it, woman.

DSMB: You know what? I think I could write one of these myself.

FMF: I really will kill you.

DSMB: OH ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHO WOULD LOVE THIS?

_You have sent GannonFodder a file._

* * *

 

**_Logged: 2:50 PM 12/02/2281_**

GannonFodder: What’s this?

DontShootMeBro: READ IT.

GF: I’m kinda busy right now. Can we talk later?

DSMB: NO. NOW.

GF: I didn’t let you and Veronica make this account for me so you can bug me at work, right?

DSMB: NAO.

GF: Fine. I suppose anything’s more exciting than picking at broc flowers.

GF: And I still can’t believe you guys chose this name.

DSMB: It was either that or GannonBalls.

DSMB: Well?

GF: Did you write this?

DSMB: Would you believe me if I said no?

GF: So who did?

DSMB: Who cares? It’s awesome.

GF: Let’s think about this. You can’t be the only one who’s seen this.

DSMB: I guess there was some weird shit about me too. Wouldn’t want that going out.

GF: Oh? Such as?

DSMB: Me and Marcus. Gross!

GF: Wow. Some people…

DSMB: This other one has Pacer giving me a terrible fuck. As if I’d ever sleep with him.

GF: Is there anything on me?

DSMB: Lol seriously?

GF: If there are any misconceptions about me, I wanna know.

_You have sent GannonFodder a file._

GF: What!? Me and Boone?

DSMB: I think I kinda ship you two now, is that bad?

 

* * *

 

**_Logged: 11:05 PM 12/06/2281_**

_FantasticMrFox has sent you a file._

FantasticMrFox: What do you think?

DontShootMeBro: …wow. That was sweet.

FMF: That was us.

DSMB: Yeah.

FMF: So.

FMF: What did you think?

DSMB: Well… It was pretty dramatic, but I guess I could see it happening.

FMF: You could see us being in love?

DSMB: Yeah, sure. If we were both completely messed up, I think we could fall for each other.

DSMB: I guess I am a little screwed in the head.

FMF: I must admit, it made me look at you differently.

DSMB: Oh?

FMF: I haven’t stopped thinking about you.

DSMB: I didn’t pin you as a hopeless romantic, Mr. Fox.

FMF: Anything to take my mind off my work.

DSMB: I did think you were pretty cute.

FMF: So about that dance at the Aces…

DSMB: I’d love to. See you Wednesday?

FMF: I can’t wait.

 

**_End logs._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the fills I've referenced. Check them out because they rock. :D
> 
> [A Spark of Luv](http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4875.html?thread=7500811#t7500811)  
> [Mr. Foxtrot](http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4875.html?thread=7119883#t7119883)  
> [Saintly](http://falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.com/4237.html?thread=6120589#t6120589)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are a series of microfills for the holiday prompt at the kink meme. I do have an actual (cracky!) plot planned, but I’m just posting these for archiving purposes. There’s a lot of messing around with the formatting/spelling, so watch out for that.

**_Logged: 1:30 PM 12/21/2281_ **

DontShootMeBro: Hey, I’m coming home soon. Is the tree ready?

GannonFodder: Yeah, Lily and Cass just pulled it from Jacobstown. How’s Zion?

DSMB: Beautiful. Wish I could spend Christmas here. How do you think everyone feels about a road trip?

GF: You’re not gonna make me share a bedroll with Boone, right?

DSMB: Now why would I do that?

GF: …

DSMB: What?

GF: We won’t make it to Zion in time anyway.

DSMB: I guess not. Maybe next year. I’m bringing back this book called Scripture. That’s important, right?

GF: Yes, Christmas is a Christian holiday. That’s their holy book.

DSMB: How much do you think it’s worth this time of year?

GF: That’s not gonna sell.

DSMB: Watch me. I’m an awesome salesperson.

 

* * *

 

 ** _Logged: 2:26 PM 12/21/2281_**  

SuperstarGranny: **HELLO JIMMY DEAR**

GannonFodder: Hi Lily.

SG: **HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR SISTER?**

GF: Which one? Oh, and Lily? You don’t have to type like that.

SG: **I’M SORRY DEAR. IT’S JUST SO HARD TO READ ON THIS LITTLE SCREEN. COULD YOU MAKE YOUR TEXT BIGGER?**

GF: **Is this better?**

SG: **YES DEAR. NOW COULD YOU TELL YOUR SISTER TO BRING HOME SOME SUGAR? WE’RE ALMOST OUT AND I NEED TO FINISH THIS BATCH OF CHRISTMAS COOKIES.**

GF: **I will, Lily.**

SG: **I HEAR SHE’S BRINGING HOME A YOUNG MAN FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I HAVE A BRAHMIN ROAST IN THE OVEN FOR HIM.**

GF: **What? Who?**

SG: **DON’T FORGET TO STOP BY THE GIFT SHOP AFTER WORK, JIMMY. OUR GUEST NEEDS A GIFT UNDER THE TREE TOO. WHAT DO LEGIONARIES LIKE, DEAR?**

GF: **WHAT?**

 

* * *

 

 ** _Logged: 7:30 PM 12/21/2281_**  

WhiskeyR0s3: m3rr¥ (hr1$7m4$ b00!

GannonFodder: Cass, remember what we discussed about readability?

WR: But it’s so pretty.

GF: You’re hurting my eyes.

WR: You’re oppressing my creativity!

 

* * *

 

 ** _Logged: 12:10 AM 1/1/2282_**  

DontShootMeBro: HAPPU NEW YEAX!!!!

DSMB: Casss was NOT lying when she said purr bourbon fucks u up qwuick

DSMB: I’m so drunk baby, could use sum 8===D~~~~ in the ({}) right noww hahahaha

DSMB: But with like condoms coz babies and shit

DSMB: Will u b mad if I said I onlylike u for ur bodty?

DSMB: *boty

DSMB: *boody

DSMB: Dammit this keypdad spelling ererything wrong.

DSMB: Hey vulpes where are u you should be here with me, I miss u

DSMB: But not just for ur bodyy I swaer

DSMB: If your not here in ten minutes I’mma gonna start the sexy lovins  without u

DSMB: I have a new yearss resolution

DSMB: Imm’a gonna make enoughh bottle caps to fill the tub in my rooom then bathe in it. Then I’ll shoot anyuone who triess to takes my caps while bathingg secily.

DSMB: It’s genius.

DSMB: Oh god im so drunk

DSMB: Sorry I know you dont like seeing me like this, im suxh a porfligate I know

DSMB: But you like that, yea?

DSMB: Im ur dirty dirty profligate, and ur gonna set me right

DSMB: Teach me a lesson baby

DSMB: With your penis

DSMB: Heh.

FitzGrubnGulp: Missy, I think you have the wrong man.

_You have logged out._

**_End logs._ **


	3. Chapter 3

**_Logged: 9:57 AM 1/10/2282_ **

JamesGarretWrangler: If it isn’t my favorite delivery girl.

DontShootMeBro: Garret, my man. What can I do you for?

JGW: We just launched a new feature for the Wrangler Online, and you’re one of the lucky few to test it out.

DSMB: Sweet, what is it?

JGW: I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you. Let’s just say you’ll be catching up with an old buddy.

DSMB: Okay then, send him over.

JGW: You should receive a message in a few minutes.

* * *

**_Logged: 10:16 AM 1/10/2282_ **

FISTOAtomicWrangler: Welcome to the Atomic Wrangler Terminal Services. FISTO reporting for duty. Please assume the position.

DontShootMeBro: …What? What the hell is this?

FAW: This is the Atomic Wrangler’s new online service feature. Valued customers may now access our wide range of escorts anytime, anywhere.

DSMB: And James thought I wanted you? Couldn’t he send me Old Ben instead?

FAW: This new service is still in beta. At the present time, FISTO is the only available escort online.

DSMB: Figures.

FAW: Please assume the position.

DSMB: How am I supposed to do that? I’m all the way in Novac.

FAW: Our exchange is merely a textual simulation. Some customers have left comments that they would like FISTO to be  available beyond their stay at Freeside.

DSMB: People actually miss you?

FAW: I have received a considerable amount of messages from past customers, requesting future rendezvous. This service aims to provide pleasure while such customers are unable to visit the Atomic Wrangler for any reason.

DSMB: … And they send you love letters too? Oh jeez.

FAW: I am programmed for you pleasure. Please assume the position.

DSMB: I, uh… how does this work exactly?

FAW: As this is a textual simulation, we simply exchange sexually charged messages. An example of an appropriate reply would be: “I have assumed the position.” Pleasuring yourself is not required but highly recommended.

DSMB: … I have assumed the position.

FAW: Servos active. I expose my pleasure rod and slowly push against your orifice.

DSMB: Oh my god, no. I can’t do this.

FAW: Understood. Would you like to make a reservation instead for a physical encounter or execute a fantasy?

DSMB: No no, I mean

DSMB: Wait, what about that last part?

FAW: For a limited time, you may submit any fantasy into my system and I will execute them for free.

DSMB: _Any_ fantasy?

FAW: Affirmative.

DSMB: So how well can you recreate this?

_You have sent FISTOAtomicWrangler a file._

FAW: Transcript accepted. Please forward the following serial number to Mr. Gannon, Mr. Boone, and Mr. Inculta to execute the fantasy on their next visit to the Atomic Wrangler: 643956-743-7543

DSMB: Wow, it worked.

FAW: Please note that they must all be present to successfully execute the fantasy.

DSMB: Don’t worry. They’ll show.

FAW: Will that be all?

DSMB: I believe so.

FAW: If you have time, please fill out this quick survey and help us make your experience more enjoyable. Thank you for choosing Atomic Wrangler Terminal Services.

DSMB: Oh no, Fisto. Thank _you_.

**_End logs._ **


End file.
